On Fear

“Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'

'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.” 

― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

I have always been afraid. I am afraid of a lot of things, some quite common such as spiders or walking in a dark alley. Some not so common like riding the elevator or fish touching my feet (that fish spa, NEVER AGAIN). 

I have always been afraid but I try not to be when other people are looking. I have always been afraid but I just say "oh whatever" and go along with it. 

Even though I hate to admit it, this so-called fear has a way of taking me to where I should be. I would not be standing where I am right now without the fear of being homeless, penniless, unsuccessful, alone, etcetera. If my life was a video game, fear would be the power-up, the extra boost, that green arrow thing that makes you speed up in racing games, the Phoenix Down, the...you get the picture. In a way, fear was the parental guidance I badly needed. 

It's normal to feel the need to get out of a scary situation because it's the most natural thing to do. I too am guilty of this. I ran away from most of my teenage problems and wished for a different ending. Looking back, I wish I didn't. It was a test of character and I failed. Every time I am afraid, I remember this. 

I am writing now because I need to remind myself that it's okay to be afraid. Fear is looming again, and this time, it's something that I have been putting in the back burner, the skeletons in my closet. It's the kind of fear that's so persistent that it gnaws through your very core until it's right in front of your face. My biggest fear is right in front of me. 

My biggest fear is not spiders or elevators or dying in a freak accident like in Final Destination movies, My biggest fear is that, one day I will wake up and find myself in the same situation as my mother. I am paralyzed by fear every time I think of the possibility that 10 years from now, I will be running away from everything in my life because of reasons I only know. My biggest fear is becoming someone whose actions I cannot fully understand. 

My mother is my best friend and my everything. I will fight for her no matter what. Becoming her as my biggest fear doesn't change that. I may not understand her but I've accepted her. I don't hold grudges but I am more careful. It's like walking on glass I tell you. I am more guarded, more passionate, more willing than anyone to change the things that resemble the pattern. I am mature enough to know that I will do better. Whatever I've seen, whatever I've felt, it's all in the pursuit of becoming a better person. When it's my turn to become a mother, I know what to do and what not to do and that comforts me, somehow. 

Still, I am afraid. There's only so much I can do. 

Right this moment, the fear is in this room. It's out and about and it's ready to come out. I have never been more afraid in my entire life.