Constant Conversations: Confessions of an ENFP

I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.
—  F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

I have never been the silent type. I would blab away about the most inane things such as the color of the sky, how good my sandwich was, how the leaves formed a dinosaur in the dark, and other mundane things I find interesting enough.

I was never afraid to talk to people. Being shy was a trait I was never associated with. The stage was my friend and a sea of people comforted me. I liked the crazy and the chaos. It made me feel alive. The world even had a name for me, they call it ENFP. A personality type that's supposed to help me explain my actions. It's actually quite funny.

My head was always filled with thoughts which somehow became noise. I found comfort in being with other people because their voices always seemed to drown out everything that was happening in my head. I never let myself be alone. I figured that this was my natural habitat.

I have to admit, it was very tiring, not being able to function without the company of others. I tried, I really did, but I wasn't happy. I wanted to be in a group of friends and reach out to anyone within radius because I was honestly afraid to go through life alone.

This continued for awhile until that fateful day when I realized that I was a completely different person. I was so preoccupied in being with people that I somehow lost myself in the process. Don't get me wrong, this is not some existential bullshit about woe is me and other cautionary tales. This was an honest to goodness life check. My idea of who I was did not fit my actions. I was too lost in a sea of personalities and individuals that I managed to mix up everything and turned myself into a combination of the different people in my life.

I did not mean for it to happen (or so I like to think). I guess I was so distracted and afraid of being alone with my thoughts and myself that I morphed into something I didn't realize was me. And unfortunately, that's what people saw of me, and sadly, it wasn't good.

And now I'm here. I'm writing to make sense from all of this. I have been thinking about this for the past few weeks and I must say it's refreshing to be alone with my thoughts. I've realized that I don't have to be with people all the time or tailor fit my personality to anyone I meet. I don't even have to go out on a daily basis. Now, honestly, I just want to be with one very special guy.

They say extroverts can't survive without feeding from the energy of the people around them. They say that extroverts can't be left alone or else we'll go crazy. Well, I won't let that title mandate what I have to do. I want to be myself. I am not a 4 letter personality type from a psych test. I know there's more to me than that.

Honestly, the silence is quite comforting.


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