Our Best Self

I have had trouble sleeping at night for as long as I could remember. I tried to beat insomnia by building a habit of drinking milk before sleeping but it never worked.

Staying up late was good for playing video games but it was bad cause I was always so tired at school. I had the biggest eyebags and it wasn't very attractive. My teachers would always pry why I always stay up late and I could never give a good excuse. I would just sound crazy if I really explained why.

Thoughts kept me up at night.

Dark, evil thoughts of my loved ones dying, of the world ending from a virus that turns everyone into the undead, of a fire that could break out any minute from the very roof above my head. Whenever I would close my eyes, I imagine ants crawling up my ear, building an ant colony that will one day consume me. It was stupid but it scared me until I would cry myself tired and eventually fall asleep.

I knew my insomnia was all my hyperactive brain's doing, being anxious at such an early age (I also blame it on my coffee addiction). I wasn't taking care of my mental health and I just let every bad thought linger in my head until the next scary movie. Safe to say, I wasn't my best self.

Now that I'm older, and a little bit wiser, I realized that to be somewhat sane and stable mentally takes A LOT of work. No, you don't just survive life unscathed by being your old self. You have to grow up emotionally and it will take its toll on you. I know this because I have been in this constant struggle of not going overboard. I talk to myself (not in a creepy way, don't worry) and I try to find as much sense in what I can make sense of. I also avoid clinging on to anger. I surprised myself today when I finally know in my heart that I have no more issues with my dad. I don't want to be angry anymore.

I am less anxious now I think, and I can finally sleep soundly (sometimes too soundly). Of course there will still be days where you just want to hit someone with a pineapple but most of the time, you'll be okay. Having a clear head, a clear heart works wonders, because sometimes, the only thing that can save you from yourself is the proper mindset.